Homecoming

This week I started my new job.  At my old company.  Doing something new.  And it really did feel like coming home.  They know me, and they know what I can do.  They knew that hiring me back was what they needed, now that a change in management will support the approach I always wanted for them.

I know them.  I have no illusions about them ever becoming a giant company, I have no expectations that I will become rich through stock options, or be hired away because they are such a big bonus on my resume.  They are good people.  Not perfect, but good, solid people who care deeply about doing the right thing and creating things of lasting value.  Such a different perspective than a company who is trying to be bought.

I want to be like that.  I want to care more about building things that last than doing things for show.  I want to spend more time on relationships and less on facebook.  I want to find a way to give more time to the Lord, both personally and in service.  Tomorrow I start training to be a weekend producer at NorthRidge.  I pray that God will show me clearly if this is the service He has for me.  I started getting up earlier this week in order to spend more time in prayer and the Word.  Baby steps.  But every step forward is avoiding a step backward.

Launched

One down, one to go. We are in Ft. Myers to celebrate S's graduation! On Monday he starts his new job with an ad agency in New York.  I couldn't be more proud and of course I am feeling so sentimental.

This image says it all to me. Those kids are creating something amazing in the sand. They are taking the raw materials given them and they are focused, working, building a city of castles. And when they are done their parents will take a picture of them with their creation and it will go in a scrapbook or a tumblr and that will be the memory they retain.

Here's what nobody photographed:

• Dad and Mom planned for this trip, bought the sand toys, packed them in the car and carried them down to the beach. They also brought all the food, water and sunscreen required for the creation of that city. 
• As I watch, Dad has begun digging a moat around the city to keep the tides away as long as possible. 
• You can't see her in this picture, but Mom is watching as the 3 year old goes back and forth from the surf to carry water. She does not relax in her chair reading or writing as I do. Her vision constantly follows whichever child is closest to any type of risk. 

This is parenting. You plan and prepare and support. You divert your children from risk as much as you can while still enabling them to build and create. You watch most closely the child who is at risk while trying desperately not to communicate your own fears. You stay in the background whenever you can, to make sure that what they build is truly theirs. And then, when the city is built, you take pictures and celebrate the Builder. The one true Builder who gave you that child for a time, as well as the son or daughter who built those castles. Well done, my dearest S. Thank you, Father.

Sometimes life does not turn out how you expect

I should change the title of this blog to The Erratic Blogger.  Except that someone who doesn't know how to spell might think I meant something else with one less R and an O and then I would get all kinds of awful comments.  I am pretty good with getting none.

Soon I will be 52.  Let me tell you what was supposed to be happening right now.  Jim was supposed to be 3 years away from retiring from Ford with an awesome pension and a fully stocked 401k.  I was supposed to be employed part time in some sort of church-related or philanthropic organization that involved lots of public speaking, creativity and management of volunteers.  During my off hours I would redecorate my house with craftily painted thrift store purchases.  During the summers, the flexible nature of my work would allow me to spend weeks at a time in South Carolina with my parents, cooking shrimp dinners after long days reading on the beach or volunteering with them in one of their many causes.  Jim and I would have the money and freedom to visit our kids in their respective cities and our holiday reunions in Michigan would be centered on the spiritual foundation on which we raised our kids.

So that didn't happen.

On the other hand, God has been so gracious and Jim and I both have good jobs, good enough to send both of our kids to private colleges without crushing them under student loans.  My house looks like crap, but honestly it just isn't a priority.  Once in a while I will think about what my house could look like if we kept some of the money that belongs to the Lord, and while it looks nice in my imagination it comes with too high a price tag. To give up the blessings that come with tithing has no appeal to me at all.   Besides, I can barely keep up with paying bills and preparing food and there is no way I am going to hunt down cute little wooden chairs and spray paint them.  My kids are terrific, even though we don't see them nearly as much as we'd like to.  M. has kept her spiritual foundation intact but S.'s is shattered on the rocks of a bad experience with our old church.  But life is a long thing, and I trust in God to draw S. back.

Things have not turned out the way I expected.  But I continue to be astonished with the way that God uses the misery in my life and works it to good.  I am both thriftier and more generous than I might otherwise be.  When I hear about people who have lost their parents, my heart aches with a genuine sympathy and I try to support them.  I will never again think "that can't happen to me", because I know how fragile life and faith can be.  I am deeply and truly in love and in like with my husband.  Life is hard.  Life is good.  God is good.  Even when I don't get anything I was expecting.